The last 11 months have been this crazy emotional ride. Heck who am I kidding? The emotional ride begain the day we found out we were expecting number 4. And then to learn it was going to be 4 & 5!
Since September I have had a harder time dealing with Olivia being gone and why God wanted it this way. I am not mad at God like I thought I might be. I know it is all in his plan. I know some day I will know. I know it may not be today or even tomorrow. I just don't want her short life to go invain. I want to do something something in honor of her.
I went in to check on Harper today after I put her down for her afternoon nap(she's rolling over now) she was making some noises so I just wanted ot make sure the blanket was not on her face. I get in her room and she as turned half way around the crib(laying cross ways) her blanket wrap around her middle part of her body like she was in a straight jacket. Watching her until she seen I was there. When she seen me she just laughed hysterically at me. It was at that moment I realize she is the key to healing. God gave me a beautiful gift and I need to take the time to enjoy her. They grow up so very fast.
I have opened up alot more with Marco the last few weeks. I am always so worried I am going to make him sad. We talked about what it would have been like right now with twin girls rolling around. About how crazy life would have been with having them both with us. It would have been crazy fun! About how often we think of Olivia.
You never think it will happen to you. That it's just a bad dream and maybe one day we'll wake up. It's been a long dream let me tell you. I think it will get easier after the first year.
On a lighter note.....Harper is now 17 lbs. & 8 ozs. She turned 7 months on the 12th!! She is rolling over all the time now, she like to put her toes in her mouth, when she smiles her eyes light up. When she smiles she reminds me of my older brother Dustin. When he smiles his eyes light up just like Harper's do. Not too many people have that wonderful glow about them when they smile. It's a genuine smile. It is hard to explainbut it's like they have this beautiful energy behind them.
Thursday, November 18, 2010
Thursday, October 7, 2010
Wow Almost 6 months!
We are only 5 days away from the 6 month mark. It has been a CRAZY ride so far. It seems to be harder now then it was right after the girls were born. I guess seeing all the milestones that Harper is going through right now reminds me that I could have had two beautiful little babies with me right now. I think about Olivia many times a day. How I could just hold her one more time. Just to kiss her one more time. That is all I want. The farther away we get the more I feel like she was not even real. Was this a bad dream. We in the heck will I wake up already. I think about there birthday and how that day will go. I will I feel that day. It is supposed to be a happy day. I think about how my dear husbands heart is broken but at the same time he is overjoyed by Harper. Don't get me wrong we love Harper more than you could know but we miss our baby girl. I wonder all the time why did God want it to be this way? If you ever find out the answer for me please let me know. On to a lighter note....Miss Harper is growing so very fast!
Harper now weighs 15lbs. even and is 25 inches long. She has caught up to what a normal 6 month old should be. She is rolling over and laughing. She puts her paci in and out of her mouth now. She is now eating veggies and gets fruit in her cereal in the morning. She has almost developmentally caught up as well. Which is a WONDERFUL thing since they say it normally takes til about 9 months to get caught up to there age.
Harper now weighs 15lbs. even and is 25 inches long. She has caught up to what a normal 6 month old should be. She is rolling over and laughing. She puts her paci in and out of her mouth now. She is now eating veggies and gets fruit in her cereal in the morning. She has almost developmentally caught up as well. Which is a WONDERFUL thing since they say it normally takes til about 9 months to get caught up to there age.
Monday, July 12, 2010
3 months today
Well today it has been three months. I have not posted in a while because I was not sure about anything. The last few days have been very hard. Much harder then most days and I am not sure why. We were giving Harper a bath last night and I was thinking there is supposed to be two babies here. I was robbed. I lost a piece of me that day. She was only here for a couple hours and now it is starting to feel like she was never here. What I would give just to touch her again. Just to hold her for 5 minutes. Why God did it have to be this way? Did he not think I could take care of two babies? I just want to know why? How could there be so much pain but at the same time so much joy. I understand I am lucky I had another baby at the same time but on the other hand I look at her every moment and wonder what would Olivia been like. How would she have looked. I still cry myself to sleep at night. I would have thought after three months it would be ok. No. It is never ok. It does not get any better.
I still have not figured out how to thank Kathleen for all she did. I don't know what I would have done without her. She was my right arm. Thank you Kathleen for everything you did. One day I will be able to repay you.
Marco told me the other day that every morning he wakes up and tells Olivia good morning. I was not sure how to reply to that one. I thought he had moved on. I guess we don't talk about her to each other like we should.
I can tell today is going to be a hard day. I love you Livvy with all of my heart.
I still have not figured out how to thank Kathleen for all she did. I don't know what I would have done without her. She was my right arm. Thank you Kathleen for everything you did. One day I will be able to repay you.
Marco told me the other day that every morning he wakes up and tells Olivia good morning. I was not sure how to reply to that one. I thought he had moved on. I guess we don't talk about her to each other like we should.
I can tell today is going to be a hard day. I love you Livvy with all of my heart.
Monday, April 19, 2010
Labor & Delivery Monday April 12th 2010
When Marco got to the hospital that morning they were putting my epidural in. I guess the husbands cannot be in the room any more when they do this so they told Marco he needed to go outside and wait. It was kinda hard getting it done this time because they want to you to bend over as far as you can. Well that is pretty hard to do with two in there. But we got it done. It was wonderful because I could not feel the pain in my back anymore. I felt rested.
They got the epidural in and Marco came back in the room. And we were relaxing. They started the pitocin about 11:00am on the lowest stetting. And they said they would raise it every 30 minutes. Which was fine I could not feel anything anyways. They went in to break Harper's bag of water and put a monitor on her head but her water was already broke. It was a good thing they put it her head. At about 12:15pm her heart rate went up to the 180's and stayed for a minutes or so. And then went back down to normal. Then a few minutes later her heart rate dropped into the 60's which scared the crap out of us. It should never go under 110. At this point in time several nurses came running into the room. The only thing I could think was I was not prepared to loose both of my girls. It was hard enough knowing my time to say hello and goodbye were coming soon.
The nurses put oxygen on and me kept flipping me from side to side. It would go back up then down. I was pretty scared I knew something was wrong. Very wrong. Dr. Renfroe was in a c-section at this point in time. A few moments later she came in the room in her scrubs and face mask and said we are going to have to do a c-section.
I would be telling a lie if I said I was not afraid of a section. I was so scared and there was nothing I could do. Marco, my dad, and I all got on phones and started calling people to let them know. All the while the nurses are getting me ready to go back in the operating room. They give Marco his scrubs to wear. It was cute. We did not have to say anything to each other we could tell each other was very scared at this point in time.
They came and wheeled me back to the operating room. It was cold, very cold. There had to have been 30 people in that room easily. I looked off to my left and seen the different baby warmers labeled A and B. It was hard because I knew for sure B was not going to make. I was not even for sure if B was going to be still born or not. They put warm blankets on my arms because I was shaking. Partly because I was cold and partly because I was scared.
Marco came in the room and they had started the incision already. It was weird, you could feel it but it did not hurt. I could feel them pulling and pushing. Then I hear Dr. Renfroe say no wonder, Harper had her cord wrapped around her body like and x. She was born at 1:32pm crying which was great to hear. That sitting in the bed for 3 weeks had paid off. Then I hear them call the time 1:34pm. She did not cry at all. They took her over to her warmer and cleaned her up a little. Then wrapped her up and gave her to Marco. He brought her over to me and she just looked like she was sleeping. She would make a little squeak when she would breath. She sounded like a little puppy. She was so beautiful. She might not have been perfect to the world but she was perfect to us. She was our angel. She is and will be our last born. She is our baby. She stayed with us for 2 hours and 1 minute. She pasted away when we went to the NICU to get one last picture with her and her sister.
To be continued........
They got the epidural in and Marco came back in the room. And we were relaxing. They started the pitocin about 11:00am on the lowest stetting. And they said they would raise it every 30 minutes. Which was fine I could not feel anything anyways. They went in to break Harper's bag of water and put a monitor on her head but her water was already broke. It was a good thing they put it her head. At about 12:15pm her heart rate went up to the 180's and stayed for a minutes or so. And then went back down to normal. Then a few minutes later her heart rate dropped into the 60's which scared the crap out of us. It should never go under 110. At this point in time several nurses came running into the room. The only thing I could think was I was not prepared to loose both of my girls. It was hard enough knowing my time to say hello and goodbye were coming soon.
The nurses put oxygen on and me kept flipping me from side to side. It would go back up then down. I was pretty scared I knew something was wrong. Very wrong. Dr. Renfroe was in a c-section at this point in time. A few moments later she came in the room in her scrubs and face mask and said we are going to have to do a c-section.
I would be telling a lie if I said I was not afraid of a section. I was so scared and there was nothing I could do. Marco, my dad, and I all got on phones and started calling people to let them know. All the while the nurses are getting me ready to go back in the operating room. They give Marco his scrubs to wear. It was cute. We did not have to say anything to each other we could tell each other was very scared at this point in time.
They came and wheeled me back to the operating room. It was cold, very cold. There had to have been 30 people in that room easily. I looked off to my left and seen the different baby warmers labeled A and B. It was hard because I knew for sure B was not going to make. I was not even for sure if B was going to be still born or not. They put warm blankets on my arms because I was shaking. Partly because I was cold and partly because I was scared.
Marco came in the room and they had started the incision already. It was weird, you could feel it but it did not hurt. I could feel them pulling and pushing. Then I hear Dr. Renfroe say no wonder, Harper had her cord wrapped around her body like and x. She was born at 1:32pm crying which was great to hear. That sitting in the bed for 3 weeks had paid off. Then I hear them call the time 1:34pm. She did not cry at all. They took her over to her warmer and cleaned her up a little. Then wrapped her up and gave her to Marco. He brought her over to me and she just looked like she was sleeping. She would make a little squeak when she would breath. She sounded like a little puppy. She was so beautiful. She might not have been perfect to the world but she was perfect to us. She was our angel. She is and will be our last born. She is our baby. She stayed with us for 2 hours and 1 minute. She pasted away when we went to the NICU to get one last picture with her and her sister.
To be continued........
Saturday April 10th trough pre labor
Well it has been a while since I have got on here. So much has happened since then. The morning of Saturday April 10th I woke up about 20 minutes til 7:00am and was bleeding. So a few different nurses came in the room and started to "work" things like hook me up to the monitors, getting the girls heart rates on different monitors and on the TOCO which checks for contractions. Well less then 30 minutes on the monitors I was having several contractions. So Dr. Renfroe came in and said she was moving me over to L & D.
They moved me over to L & D pretty fast. got me on there monitors and all I could do was lay there very still. Which after 3 weeks on my behind was very hard to do. So a different nurse was coming in every 15 minutes because the girls would move around and they would need there heart rates all the time. This went on for all day Saturday and through the night. And Sunday morning came and Dr. Renfroe and told me that if I did not stop bleeding by Monday morning they were going to induce me.
So all day Sunday I still had nurses in and out all the time trying to keep the girls on the monitors. The bleeding did not stop and this went on through the night into Monday. By this time I was very, very tired. I had been in a hospital bed for over three weeks and my back and tail were killing me.
That morning Dr. Renfroe came in and told me today is the day for me to call Marco at work and let him know so he could be here. I called Marco and then started calling all the family. And told them not to be there before 1pm since they were inducing me it could take a long time.
They moved me over to L & D pretty fast. got me on there monitors and all I could do was lay there very still. Which after 3 weeks on my behind was very hard to do. So a different nurse was coming in every 15 minutes because the girls would move around and they would need there heart rates all the time. This went on for all day Saturday and through the night. And Sunday morning came and Dr. Renfroe and told me that if I did not stop bleeding by Monday morning they were going to induce me.
So all day Sunday I still had nurses in and out all the time trying to keep the girls on the monitors. The bleeding did not stop and this went on through the night into Monday. By this time I was very, very tired. I had been in a hospital bed for over three weeks and my back and tail were killing me.
That morning Dr. Renfroe came in and told me today is the day for me to call Marco at work and let him know so he could be here. I called Marco and then started calling all the family. And told them not to be there before 1pm since they were inducing me it could take a long time.
Thursday, April 8, 2010
32 weeks tomorrow!!!!
It is such a relief to make it to 32 weeks. Just three weeks ago we went into full blown labor. The just a little over a week later my water breaking. So this is a HUGE milestone for my girls. just 15 days until I am 34 weeks and they can induce me! I miss my kids and my butt hurts sitting here all day.
Well I leaked a lot of fluid last last night in the middle of the night. It seems to come and go that way. So they sent me to get a sonogram this morning. Harper is head down still with her face to my back and she is in position ready to go. She weighted 3 lbs. 13 oz. And her fluid was 5.2 cm. Olivia's weight is 3 lbs. 9 oz. and her fluid was 2.5 cm. If we go two weeks they should gain another pound.
This has been very trying the last few weeks. Evert day is a reminder that the end is not far away. I think a lot about what Marco is thinking. I wonder how he will do during the delivery. If he will be ok or not.
Well I leaked a lot of fluid last last night in the middle of the night. It seems to come and go that way. So they sent me to get a sonogram this morning. Harper is head down still with her face to my back and she is in position ready to go. She weighted 3 lbs. 13 oz. And her fluid was 5.2 cm. Olivia's weight is 3 lbs. 9 oz. and her fluid was 2.5 cm. If we go two weeks they should gain another pound.
This has been very trying the last few weeks. Evert day is a reminder that the end is not far away. I think a lot about what Marco is thinking. I wonder how he will do during the delivery. If he will be ok or not.
Sunday, April 4, 2010
Happy Easter 19 days until we are 34 weeks!!!
Happy Easter everyone!!!! And remember why we celebrate Easter in the first place.
Ok my last post was really long. I could not help it there was so much to say. I tried to shorten it out a bit but that was hard. So here I am this morning making another post. Well this is day number 4 that I will have been in here this time. For a total of 11 days that I have spent in here. Can you imagine the bill for this? Thank the good lord for Health Alliance. I hate to see what this bill will look like and that does not include the NICU either.
They came in at fivish this morning to flush my IV because it is not hooked up to any fluids and it hurt pretty bad this time. The IV was to come out today anyways for a new one. So she took it out and the resident said as long as I don't go into labor I can keep it out. Well when they took it out it was bent. No wonder my arm hurt. And then it took a good 10-15 minutes for it to stop bleeding.
Dr. Thomas Gross came in this morning. He cracks me up because he looks like a mad scientist. When I was pregnant with Maison he was my perinatologist and I always said he looked like the professor from Back To The Future except he is very calm. LOL He just has no emotion on his face. Well anyways he came in and asked the standard questions no bright blood, water still leaking, any pain in the tummy, or any odor? Still leaking, no new blood, no pain & no odor. He said he talked to Dr. Renfroe and sh told him we wished to deliver vaginally not by c-section and she was fine delivering one the right way and one breech. So he said he is fine with that as well. So really nothing new with him today.
OH let's not forget I have a stinkn head cold!!!! It is a pain in my butt or my head right now.
I talked to Kathleen last night on the phone. It was hard we both cried for a bit. It just sucks she hurts just as much as I do. It is just so hard knowing what I know. And how this happened. It just makes me mad and angry and frustrated and down right sad!!!!! Look up amniotic bands and you will understand why I feel the way I feel right now. Something so darn simple. Really!!!!!!!!! Anyways it was hard last night being alone. It is hard being alone anytime really. That is why I live on the computer right now.
Ok my last post was really long. I could not help it there was so much to say. I tried to shorten it out a bit but that was hard. So here I am this morning making another post. Well this is day number 4 that I will have been in here this time. For a total of 11 days that I have spent in here. Can you imagine the bill for this? Thank the good lord for Health Alliance. I hate to see what this bill will look like and that does not include the NICU either.
They came in at fivish this morning to flush my IV because it is not hooked up to any fluids and it hurt pretty bad this time. The IV was to come out today anyways for a new one. So she took it out and the resident said as long as I don't go into labor I can keep it out. Well when they took it out it was bent. No wonder my arm hurt. And then it took a good 10-15 minutes for it to stop bleeding.
Dr. Thomas Gross came in this morning. He cracks me up because he looks like a mad scientist. When I was pregnant with Maison he was my perinatologist and I always said he looked like the professor from Back To The Future except he is very calm. LOL He just has no emotion on his face. Well anyways he came in and asked the standard questions no bright blood, water still leaking, any pain in the tummy, or any odor? Still leaking, no new blood, no pain & no odor. He said he talked to Dr. Renfroe and sh told him we wished to deliver vaginally not by c-section and she was fine delivering one the right way and one breech. So he said he is fine with that as well. So really nothing new with him today.
OH let's not forget I have a stinkn head cold!!!! It is a pain in my butt or my head right now.
I talked to Kathleen last night on the phone. It was hard we both cried for a bit. It just sucks she hurts just as much as I do. It is just so hard knowing what I know. And how this happened. It just makes me mad and angry and frustrated and down right sad!!!!! Look up amniotic bands and you will understand why I feel the way I feel right now. Something so darn simple. Really!!!!!!!!! Anyways it was hard last night being alone. It is hard being alone anytime really. That is why I live on the computer right now.
Saturday, April 3, 2010
31 Weeks & 1 Day A Lot Has Happened in 2 Weeks!
Well I made it to 31 weeks. I went into full blown labor on Friday March 19th at work at about 1:01pm. I was 29 weeks that day. Nothing lead up to this. There was zero warning. Marco was at home with Ava and I had the truck that day. I remember turning to my boss and telling her this is not right I had a contraction that lasted 8 minutes. And only had a couple second break in between the next one. I was really afraid something was wrong with the girls because of the amount of pain. What was going through my head at that point in time was something was wrong with the girls. Deanna, my former boss called Marco and my dad just happen to be at my house and brought Marco & Ava to my work. I was in so much pain it was like someone reached in and grabbed my lungs and trying to push out my behind. They ended up calling an ambulance to take me to the hospital.
When they got me to Saint Joseph Hospital there was about 15 people in the room not including my husband and Ava. I have never been undressed so fast in my life! The took my clothes all in on swoop. They started to put me on the monitors to see how I was contraction and to measure the girls heart rates. The nurse could not find the heart beats on either girl. She did not say anything to us about it but we knew what she was doing. She then turned to one of the other nurses and said we need a doctor in here. I just about lost it!! What the heck! I know that I have to give up one baby but I cannot give up both are you kidding me. Then she found them. All this time I am contracting every 2 minutes. This whole time all that was going through my head was I was not ready to say goodbye to Olivia. I have 11 weeks with her still and it is not time yet. God has only given her to me for a short time and right now he cannot have her yet.
They gave me the fist shot of steroids in my butt. That was fun. And they gave me one med right away to stop labor that did not work. So they gave me good old magnesium via IV. Dr. Nord came in the room to tell me that I was going to be taken to Saint Francis Hospital in Peoria and the helicopter would be there soon to get me. I was pretty upset. I have three children who need me dearly along with a husband who needs me. Well we could hear the helicopter coming in so Ava said goodbye to me. She was crying and would not talk to anyone but me. She climbed up on the bed next to me and put her little head on my arm like she always does. Then we said our goodbyes. It was hard. Marco was going to meet me over there.
The labor and delivery nurse came from Saint Francis along with a flight nurse. They needed 20 minutes of both girls heart beats on the strip before we could get on the helicopter. It took 45 minutes of all that before we got what we needed. The cot they have you on for the ride over is only about 18-24 inches wide. You have to lay on your side and they buckle you in with about 6 belts. You don't move. It only took about 15 minutes to get to Saint Francis. I have to tell you I hate flying in planes, but the helicopter ride was GREAT! All I could think of was Marco would really like this.
It took about 12-18 hours to get the contractions to slow up from every 2-4 minutes. They had me on magnesium and something else. After 5 days at Saint Francis I got to go home. I was so happy and we surprised the kids too! I walked and Kyra was speechless! That was Wednesday March 24th.
two days later on Friday March 26th I woke up in the morning and went to the bathroom and I was loosing my mucus plug and I had bloody show. So I called Dr. Wellman's office and they told me to go to Saint Joseph to get checked out. Well the doctor on call sent me back to Saint Francis. I was able to go back home on Sunday March 28th. But Dr. Renfroe told me if I come back I will not get to leave again. She was right on Monday March 29th my water broke.
I was not sure if it was or not. I had and appointment on Wednesday March 31st with Dr. Wellman. Indeed my water had broke and I was heading back to Saint Francis for the last time.
When they got me to Saint Joseph Hospital there was about 15 people in the room not including my husband and Ava. I have never been undressed so fast in my life! The took my clothes all in on swoop. They started to put me on the monitors to see how I was contraction and to measure the girls heart rates. The nurse could not find the heart beats on either girl. She did not say anything to us about it but we knew what she was doing. She then turned to one of the other nurses and said we need a doctor in here. I just about lost it!! What the heck! I know that I have to give up one baby but I cannot give up both are you kidding me. Then she found them. All this time I am contracting every 2 minutes. This whole time all that was going through my head was I was not ready to say goodbye to Olivia. I have 11 weeks with her still and it is not time yet. God has only given her to me for a short time and right now he cannot have her yet.
They gave me the fist shot of steroids in my butt. That was fun. And they gave me one med right away to stop labor that did not work. So they gave me good old magnesium via IV. Dr. Nord came in the room to tell me that I was going to be taken to Saint Francis Hospital in Peoria and the helicopter would be there soon to get me. I was pretty upset. I have three children who need me dearly along with a husband who needs me. Well we could hear the helicopter coming in so Ava said goodbye to me. She was crying and would not talk to anyone but me. She climbed up on the bed next to me and put her little head on my arm like she always does. Then we said our goodbyes. It was hard. Marco was going to meet me over there.
The labor and delivery nurse came from Saint Francis along with a flight nurse. They needed 20 minutes of both girls heart beats on the strip before we could get on the helicopter. It took 45 minutes of all that before we got what we needed. The cot they have you on for the ride over is only about 18-24 inches wide. You have to lay on your side and they buckle you in with about 6 belts. You don't move. It only took about 15 minutes to get to Saint Francis. I have to tell you I hate flying in planes, but the helicopter ride was GREAT! All I could think of was Marco would really like this.
It took about 12-18 hours to get the contractions to slow up from every 2-4 minutes. They had me on magnesium and something else. After 5 days at Saint Francis I got to go home. I was so happy and we surprised the kids too! I walked and Kyra was speechless! That was Wednesday March 24th.
two days later on Friday March 26th I woke up in the morning and went to the bathroom and I was loosing my mucus plug and I had bloody show. So I called Dr. Wellman's office and they told me to go to Saint Joseph to get checked out. Well the doctor on call sent me back to Saint Francis. I was able to go back home on Sunday March 28th. But Dr. Renfroe told me if I come back I will not get to leave again. She was right on Monday March 29th my water broke.
I was not sure if it was or not. I had and appointment on Wednesday March 31st with Dr. Wellman. Indeed my water had broke and I was heading back to Saint Francis for the last time.
Tuesday, March 16, 2010
28 weeks 4 days
I really feeling my body was made to carry twins. A dear friend of mine has been put in the hospital at 32 weeks now and she is also due with twins. She has had many contractions and has been on bed rest since 18 weeks. I pray for her two beautiful babies she is carrying and that God will keep his hands on her and them.
I have been doing pretty good so far not many contractions at all. My weight gain is now at only 12 pounds which I think is wonderful since everything I have read has said with twins people gain 60 pounds. Really if I did not have the belly you would not know I was pregnant. My feet don't really hurt too bad from standing on them all day. Some days are better then others though. Nothing a little TLC cannot fix when I get home from work.
I went to the doctor last week and he said everything was good. He did send me over to OSF for an NST because I did have a few contractions but that was only for about 24 hours that I had those and then when they put me on the monitor they could not get them to register. They had a hard time getting Olivia to stay still so they could track her heartbeat. But no problems out of Harper.
With only 11 and a half weeks left until our due date I think more and more about how I will have to say good bye to Olivia. And that just kills me. I really try not to think about it much because it is so hard. I really feel like it is all just a bad dream and it will all be fine when they are born. I know wishful thinking. My mother and I fight a lot about it because she thinks I don't have faith in God. I have faith in God. If it was not for God I would have gone crazy by now.
We are having maternity photos done on April 1st. The photographer is wonderful. Her name is Jackie at Studio J Photography. She has beautiful work. She will also come to the hospital when the girls are born. I am so blessed to have her doing our photos.
My last day of work is April 9th. I will so miss work really. I know everyone wants me to leave but I just enjoy it so much and my customers are GREAT! I had a little old lady in today she got so excited when I told her I was having two girls. She told me to be careful so nothing would happen to either of them. Little does she know.
I have been doing pretty good so far not many contractions at all. My weight gain is now at only 12 pounds which I think is wonderful since everything I have read has said with twins people gain 60 pounds. Really if I did not have the belly you would not know I was pregnant. My feet don't really hurt too bad from standing on them all day. Some days are better then others though. Nothing a little TLC cannot fix when I get home from work.
I went to the doctor last week and he said everything was good. He did send me over to OSF for an NST because I did have a few contractions but that was only for about 24 hours that I had those and then when they put me on the monitor they could not get them to register. They had a hard time getting Olivia to stay still so they could track her heartbeat. But no problems out of Harper.
With only 11 and a half weeks left until our due date I think more and more about how I will have to say good bye to Olivia. And that just kills me. I really try not to think about it much because it is so hard. I really feel like it is all just a bad dream and it will all be fine when they are born. I know wishful thinking. My mother and I fight a lot about it because she thinks I don't have faith in God. I have faith in God. If it was not for God I would have gone crazy by now.
We are having maternity photos done on April 1st. The photographer is wonderful. Her name is Jackie at Studio J Photography. She has beautiful work. She will also come to the hospital when the girls are born. I am so blessed to have her doing our photos.
My last day of work is April 9th. I will so miss work really. I know everyone wants me to leave but I just enjoy it so much and my customers are GREAT! I had a little old lady in today she got so excited when I told her I was having two girls. She told me to be careful so nothing would happen to either of them. Little does she know.
Thursday, February 25, 2010
26 week appointment
We had our 26 week appointment yesterday. We did the blood glucose and hemoglobin test and they were perfect! Also had a sonogram to make sure the girls were growing like they should be and that my fluid in Olivia's sac was not too much yet. With Anencephaly you run a high risk with polyhydramnosis. Which is too much fluid in the sac. The girls were beautiful! It is so neat to see them play with each other. I just wish Marco could have been there to see them. He was have loved it. At one point I turned to Bobbie the sonographer and said "doesn't it amaze you how perfect everything can be, her arms, legs, feet even her heart just beating away. And yet just that one thing wrong means life or death" She turned and said "I think about that every time I see you." She also gets upset when I do. I am blessed to have her doing my sonograms. It shows that she is human.
Anyways the girls are still Olivia head up and her bottom down and Harper was head down and bottom up. They have not changed positions in many weeks now. We could not get any good face shots because the girls were moving so much. I just love watching them with each other. I wish I could tape it and just watch it over and over again. It made me feel good to know that Olivia was moving around. and yet it does make me sad too because I know I am the one keeping her alive right now. And as soon as she leaves the wombs she will go on to God.
Olivia was measuring 10 days behind Harper. And Harper was measuring right to the day were she should be. Harper weighted 1 lb. 6 oz. and they could not get a weight on Olivia. It is normal for a child with Anencephaly to be smaller.
We go back in two weeks to check out the cervix to make sure all is good! I am hoping for mid May. That would be prefect but I know I really have not control over it.
Marco does not want a memorial so I think we will not have one. I think he just wants to move on as best as he can. And this is the only way he knows how to do so.
Anyways the girls are still Olivia head up and her bottom down and Harper was head down and bottom up. They have not changed positions in many weeks now. We could not get any good face shots because the girls were moving so much. I just love watching them with each other. I wish I could tape it and just watch it over and over again. It made me feel good to know that Olivia was moving around. and yet it does make me sad too because I know I am the one keeping her alive right now. And as soon as she leaves the wombs she will go on to God.
Olivia was measuring 10 days behind Harper. And Harper was measuring right to the day were she should be. Harper weighted 1 lb. 6 oz. and they could not get a weight on Olivia. It is normal for a child with Anencephaly to be smaller.
We go back in two weeks to check out the cervix to make sure all is good! I am hoping for mid May. That would be prefect but I know I really have not control over it.
Marco does not want a memorial so I think we will not have one. I think he just wants to move on as best as he can. And this is the only way he knows how to do so.
Thursday, February 18, 2010
25 weeks tomorrow
WOW has time gone by so fast. I cannot hide that I am pregnant anymore under my vest at work anymore. So they questions begin... I really am not sure what to say to people when they ask when I am due. They look at me crazy when I say I am due in three more months. Well if you want to get technical I am due in over three months. But with twins I don't think they will wait until June 4th. I just tell them I am having twin girls. And most reply with Good luck. And the girls I work with just look at me like if they only knew. Only one of the girls at work tells people I am having twins. And I know it is because they don't want me to have to tell the story about Olivia.
I worked on the nursery yesterday and my mother asked me when I was going to put Olivia's name on the wall. I have told her time and time again that I was not going to put her name on the wall. She tells me I don't have faith in God. Really? Is that not having faith in God? That is the one thing right now that bothers me the most.
I really am up in the air about what to do after they are born. Do I have a memorial or not. Marco does not want one. I really just think he does not want people to see him upset. And I think I need to have a memorial but what do I do?
It does not bother me when I see other woman who are having twins. I am so happy for them and pleased they don't have to go through this. I really would not wish this on anyone. I am so up in the air about going back to work after the girls are born. I LOVE the girls I work with and I think it would help me out to much to work. If I stay home right now I go crazy and get sad but working helps me out a lot. Mentally I need work right now.
I seen a good friend of mine who is a twin's mom today in the store and she did not know about Olivia. I told her and she started crying in the store. She said she could not help it because she carried twins and would not know what to do if something had happened to one of her girls. You go on for the other one and we will grieve when we loose Olivia. I cannot go through this pregnancy sad all the time. At least that is what I tell myself. And it works most of the time.
I worked on the nursery yesterday and my mother asked me when I was going to put Olivia's name on the wall. I have told her time and time again that I was not going to put her name on the wall. She tells me I don't have faith in God. Really? Is that not having faith in God? That is the one thing right now that bothers me the most.
I really am up in the air about what to do after they are born. Do I have a memorial or not. Marco does not want one. I really just think he does not want people to see him upset. And I think I need to have a memorial but what do I do?
It does not bother me when I see other woman who are having twins. I am so happy for them and pleased they don't have to go through this. I really would not wish this on anyone. I am so up in the air about going back to work after the girls are born. I LOVE the girls I work with and I think it would help me out to much to work. If I stay home right now I go crazy and get sad but working helps me out a lot. Mentally I need work right now.
I seen a good friend of mine who is a twin's mom today in the store and she did not know about Olivia. I told her and she started crying in the store. She said she could not help it because she carried twins and would not know what to do if something had happened to one of her girls. You go on for the other one and we will grieve when we loose Olivia. I cannot go through this pregnancy sad all the time. At least that is what I tell myself. And it works most of the time.
Monday, February 15, 2010
Too many little things to remind me.......
Well we did have a great weekend this past weekend. We went out with friends for dinner for Marco's birthday and had a good time. We did not doing anything special for Valentine's day just spent the day with the kids and family. We got the girls Roses for Valentine's Day and got Maison a gift card so he could get a new movie that is coming out this week.
It seems more and more that little things remind me of what is to come. I HATE having to think about it at all. We watched a movie and Marco talked to Olivia and Harper telling them he could not wait to see them. All I could think is I can wait. If I could just keep them inside for ever I would not have to loose one of them. I would not have to give Olivia up. I try not to cry in front of Marco because I know how hard it is on him. I see a baby on t.v. and start thinking of the girls and how we will only have one of them. I hear a song and it makes me cry.
It seems more and more that little things remind me of what is to come. I HATE having to think about it at all. We watched a movie and Marco talked to Olivia and Harper telling them he could not wait to see them. All I could think is I can wait. If I could just keep them inside for ever I would not have to loose one of them. I would not have to give Olivia up. I try not to cry in front of Marco because I know how hard it is on him. I see a baby on t.v. and start thinking of the girls and how we will only have one of them. I hear a song and it makes me cry.
Wednesday, February 10, 2010
Appointment with specialist
On January 7th we were to go see the specialist. Hoping that he would say it was a mistake. I know wishful thinking. But hey why not? Our appointment was 40 miles away at 9:30am. Not a big deal. Well it was we had got 7 inches of snow and still snowing. And the wind was blowing 40mph. We saw all kinds of cars, trucks, and semis in the ditch on our way there. there were even state troopers who had been hit by other cars. We made it to our appointment with shear determination and Marco at the wheel. It only took an hour and a half. But we got there.
It was the longest sonogram of my life. I think it was two and half hours. Right away when they started the sonogram and started with baby A. And Marco yells out it's a girl! They did not even have to tell him he could see plan as day that she was a girl. It was pretty funny. At that moment I got worried. I was worried baby B was going to be the boy Marco wanted so badly. Baby A got a clean bill of health. Then they moved on to baby B. Did all the measurements that they needed. The sonographer had a hard time because both babies had there feet and arms in the middle of my belly together. Marco said it looked like rock'em sock'em robots. That is when we found out baby B was a girl too! Two more girls. The brings the total to four girls and one boy.
The doctor came in and talked to us about Baby B. Confirmed what our doctor said about her. We really not too upset. We had ten days for the news to soak in. And now we know what is going on so we needed to prepare. The doctor really made it seem like it was a lack of folic acid. Which I was shocked since I had been taking it since day one. The truth is they don't know what causes Anencephaly. Nor what prevents it!
It was the longest sonogram of my life. I think it was two and half hours. Right away when they started the sonogram and started with baby A. And Marco yells out it's a girl! They did not even have to tell him he could see plan as day that she was a girl. It was pretty funny. At that moment I got worried. I was worried baby B was going to be the boy Marco wanted so badly. Baby A got a clean bill of health. Then they moved on to baby B. Did all the measurements that they needed. The sonographer had a hard time because both babies had there feet and arms in the middle of my belly together. Marco said it looked like rock'em sock'em robots. That is when we found out baby B was a girl too! Two more girls. The brings the total to four girls and one boy.
The doctor came in and talked to us about Baby B. Confirmed what our doctor said about her. We really not too upset. We had ten days for the news to soak in. And now we know what is going on so we needed to prepare. The doctor really made it seem like it was a lack of folic acid. Which I was shocked since I had been taking it since day one. The truth is they don't know what causes Anencephaly. Nor what prevents it!
The day that changed our lives........
December 28th finally was here! I was 17 weeks and 3 days and Marco was off so he was going too! We would be able to see for sure what they babies were. We were so excited. It really is like a child on Christmas morning. I had not seen the babies since November and just could not stand it anymore.
They always start the scan with baby A. The way they decide on how to label them A & B is how they would come out if they are born vaginally. Baby A's head is the lowest down in my pelvic area and B's head is up by my heart. They lie next to each other straight up and down. We were going to do all the important measurements first and then go back and see what there sex was last. They did all of A's measurements and she was so beautiful moving and kicking around. We all just talked and laughed. Then the sonographer moved on to baby B taking her measurements. Then she got very quiet. From that moment on I knew something was wrong. I did not ask. Nor did Marco. She kept on measuring B's head. And just spent a lot of time looking at her head. She said she was going to get Dr. Wellman. While out Marco and I did not say anything.
Dr. Wellman came into the room and I could tell something was really wrong. This is when he told us baby B's head did not close properly. And that from her eyebrows up was not there. She had what is called anencepahly. And would not live long past birth if she makes it through birth. That the stress of birth could kill her. I could not do anything but cry. Cry like I have never cried. And there was nothing anyone could say or do to take that pain away. We would need to go to a specialist in 10 days. I left the office right away. I did not ask for my sonogram pictures and did not care what sex the babies were at that point.
We had to tell our family friends and hardest of all our children. The phone kept ringing because everyone wanted to know what the babies were. We had to tell them news. It was hard. And I know they all hurt very bad too. That night I did not sleep at all. It was like someone just took my heart. The next few days were a blur. But we got through it. We had each other. This truly is a test of our marriage and how strong it is. We just prayed that God would see us through it. God needed our baby for something much bigger then we could imagine. We needed to keep it together we have three kids that need us.
They always start the scan with baby A. The way they decide on how to label them A & B is how they would come out if they are born vaginally. Baby A's head is the lowest down in my pelvic area and B's head is up by my heart. They lie next to each other straight up and down. We were going to do all the important measurements first and then go back and see what there sex was last. They did all of A's measurements and she was so beautiful moving and kicking around. We all just talked and laughed. Then the sonographer moved on to baby B taking her measurements. Then she got very quiet. From that moment on I knew something was wrong. I did not ask. Nor did Marco. She kept on measuring B's head. And just spent a lot of time looking at her head. She said she was going to get Dr. Wellman. While out Marco and I did not say anything.
Dr. Wellman came into the room and I could tell something was really wrong. This is when he told us baby B's head did not close properly. And that from her eyebrows up was not there. She had what is called anencepahly. And would not live long past birth if she makes it through birth. That the stress of birth could kill her. I could not do anything but cry. Cry like I have never cried. And there was nothing anyone could say or do to take that pain away. We would need to go to a specialist in 10 days. I left the office right away. I did not ask for my sonogram pictures and did not care what sex the babies were at that point.
We had to tell our family friends and hardest of all our children. The phone kept ringing because everyone wanted to know what the babies were. We had to tell them news. It was hard. And I know they all hurt very bad too. That night I did not sleep at all. It was like someone just took my heart. The next few days were a blur. But we got through it. We had each other. This truly is a test of our marriage and how strong it is. We just prayed that God would see us through it. God needed our baby for something much bigger then we could imagine. We needed to keep it together we have three kids that need us.
From 12 weeks to 16 weeks
December 7th was our next appointment and also Maison's 12th birthday. We were hoping they were going to do another sonogram so we could find out what the babies were. they did not this time just a regular visit. Now that I look back it was a good thing they did not do a sonogram since Marco did not get to go to this appointment with me. Christmas was just around the corner and I was getting much bigger by this time. I really did not put on any weight anywhere but in my tummy.
Christmas was coming and just three days after that we were to get our gift for Christmas. We would get to find out what these babies were. Everyone had there guesses as to what they were but I knew deep down they were both girls. I was so excited I would be able to start buying matching clothes and all that fun stuff that goes with having twins.
Christmas was coming and just three days after that we were to get our gift for Christmas. We would get to find out what these babies were. Everyone had there guesses as to what they were but I knew deep down they were both girls. I was so excited I would be able to start buying matching clothes and all that fun stuff that goes with having twins.
How it all began.......The first 12 weeks
On September 21st 2009 we found out that we were going to have another baby. That day were were 10 days pregnant. A neighbor told me I was pregnant so I took a test just so I could tell her that I was not. Well I took the test and just by the look on Marco's face said it all. I did not need to look at the test.
The next day I started taking Folic Acid like I had with all my other pregnancies. This pregnancy was different from the others. I had cramping and spotting and I was sicker then a dog. Which I had never had the three times before. The doctor had me do blood work three times in six days. My first appointment Dr. Wellman asked me if twins ran in my family. I did not think anything about it since I was only about four weeks along. His office called me and wanted me to do a sonogram 12 days later. I was right around 6 weeks along.
On October 2nd Marco went to the doctor with me. He just happened to be off since it was a Friday. We went in for our first sonogram. We have been through many sonograms before after all this was our fourth pregnancy. With Marco sitting in the chair next to me the sonographer points to the screen and says there is baby number one and baby number two. I said "what"! And the look on Marco's face was priceless. We could not see the heartbeats yet because we were not far enough along. We were in shock and excited too. Twins! Who would have ever thought twins? We were due June 4th, 2010!!!
I went back two weeks later and we did see both heartbeats. We were happy both babies had heartbeats. I had worried about vanishing twin syndrome. I did not know how I would tell people one of the babies would not make it. all this time I still was spotting and cramping. The doctor had put me on progesterone for the first 12 weeks.
Everything was going very well I grew out of my clothes very fast. By nine weeks I was having a hard time fitting in my normal clothes. And so I moved on to maternity clothes.
On November 9th I went in for an appointment I was 11 weeks by then. Time was going by so fast. This appointment was great! Our babies look like little babies. You could see there arms,legs and there little heads. They were so beautiful. I was in love all over again. Everything was great. I had no complaints, I felt great for carrying twins. I had only gained 4 pounds and I was still working full time and able to take care of my house and kids at home. I was SUPER mom!
The next day I started taking Folic Acid like I had with all my other pregnancies. This pregnancy was different from the others. I had cramping and spotting and I was sicker then a dog. Which I had never had the three times before. The doctor had me do blood work three times in six days. My first appointment Dr. Wellman asked me if twins ran in my family. I did not think anything about it since I was only about four weeks along. His office called me and wanted me to do a sonogram 12 days later. I was right around 6 weeks along.
On October 2nd Marco went to the doctor with me. He just happened to be off since it was a Friday. We went in for our first sonogram. We have been through many sonograms before after all this was our fourth pregnancy. With Marco sitting in the chair next to me the sonographer points to the screen and says there is baby number one and baby number two. I said "what"! And the look on Marco's face was priceless. We could not see the heartbeats yet because we were not far enough along. We were in shock and excited too. Twins! Who would have ever thought twins? We were due June 4th, 2010!!!
I went back two weeks later and we did see both heartbeats. We were happy both babies had heartbeats. I had worried about vanishing twin syndrome. I did not know how I would tell people one of the babies would not make it. all this time I still was spotting and cramping. The doctor had put me on progesterone for the first 12 weeks.
Everything was going very well I grew out of my clothes very fast. By nine weeks I was having a hard time fitting in my normal clothes. And so I moved on to maternity clothes.
On November 9th I went in for an appointment I was 11 weeks by then. Time was going by so fast. This appointment was great! Our babies look like little babies. You could see there arms,legs and there little heads. They were so beautiful. I was in love all over again. Everything was great. I had no complaints, I felt great for carrying twins. I had only gained 4 pounds and I was still working full time and able to take care of my house and kids at home. I was SUPER mom!
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