3 months today

Well today it has been three months. I have not posted in a while because I was not sure about anything. The last few days have been very hard. Much harder then most days and I am not sure why. We were giving Harper a bath last night and I was thinking there is supposed to be two babies here. I was robbed. I lost a piece of me that day. She was only here for a couple hours and now it is starting to feel like she was never here. What I would give just to touch her again. Just to hold her for 5 minutes. Why God did it have to be this way? Did he not think I could take care of two babies? I just want to know why? How could there be so much pain but at the same time so much joy. I understand I am lucky I had another baby at the same time but on the other hand I look at her every moment and wonder what would Olivia been like. How would she have looked. I still cry myself to sleep at night. I would have thought after three months it would be ok. No. It is never ok. It does not get any better.

I still have not figured out how to thank Kathleen for all she did. I don't know what I would have done without her. She was my right arm. Thank you Kathleen for everything you did. One day I will be able to repay you.

Marco told me the other day that every morning he wakes up and tells Olivia good morning. I was not sure how to reply to that one. I thought he had moved on. I guess we don't talk about her to each other like we should.

I can tell today is going to be a hard day. I love you Livvy with all of my heart.