It has been a while since I posted. I never posted any of my other writings in the last few months for what ever reason.
Last week was a very hard week for my family. My grandma Velma, my mothers mom, passed away Monday morning. She was not along. She had her children as well as my cousin Roxanna, her daughter Jordan & myself with her. After almost 10 years since she had a major stroke. It was hard for all of my family. Grandma was a truely GREAT person. She was one of those people who do anything for anyone. She was as close to a Saint as you could get. She lived almost 94 years. So she had a very long life. My cousins and I spent a lot of time with my grandma and grandpa growing up. We were a close family. She taught us a lot about God. My grandma & grandpa lost their first child Connie, when she was only 5 months old.
When Marco & I lost Olivia I wanted so bad to be able to talk to my grandma. She knew what we were going through. She would have been the one person who could tell us what to do. How to get through it. She made it through it and still remained a faithful christian. I did what i thought she would have told me to do and that was to talk to God. To really just open up to him and things would be ok. I did just that. And I made it through. I am ok with God's choice to have our baby with him in Heaven. She was beautiful and perfect in every way. We were the lucky ones. God thought we were special enough and strong enough to handle it. And we were. So even though I could not talk to grandma she still helped me. By using what she taught me from the time I was born to trust in God.
The last 16 months with Harper have been wonderful!!! We love her so very much. She really is a joy and I would not have changed anything. I would go through it all again if I had to.
Thank you Grandma for all the wonderful memories & love you have given us all. It is a honor to have had you as a grandma! Give Olivia a kiss from me & tell her I think and talk about her all the time. We will see you in heaven! XOXOXOXOXOXO
Friday, August 19, 2011
Thursday, November 18, 2010
Laughter in our hearts
The last 11 months have been this crazy emotional ride. Heck who am I kidding? The emotional ride begain the day we found out we were expecting number 4. And then to learn it was going to be 4 & 5!
Since September I have had a harder time dealing with Olivia being gone and why God wanted it this way. I am not mad at God like I thought I might be. I know it is all in his plan. I know some day I will know. I know it may not be today or even tomorrow. I just don't want her short life to go invain. I want to do something something in honor of her.
I went in to check on Harper today after I put her down for her afternoon nap(she's rolling over now) she was making some noises so I just wanted ot make sure the blanket was not on her face. I get in her room and she as turned half way around the crib(laying cross ways) her blanket wrap around her middle part of her body like she was in a straight jacket. Watching her until she seen I was there. When she seen me she just laughed hysterically at me. It was at that moment I realize she is the key to healing. God gave me a beautiful gift and I need to take the time to enjoy her. They grow up so very fast.
I have opened up alot more with Marco the last few weeks. I am always so worried I am going to make him sad. We talked about what it would have been like right now with twin girls rolling around. About how crazy life would have been with having them both with us. It would have been crazy fun! About how often we think of Olivia.
You never think it will happen to you. That it's just a bad dream and maybe one day we'll wake up. It's been a long dream let me tell you. I think it will get easier after the first year.
On a lighter note.....Harper is now 17 lbs. & 8 ozs. She turned 7 months on the 12th!! She is rolling over all the time now, she like to put her toes in her mouth, when she smiles her eyes light up. When she smiles she reminds me of my older brother Dustin. When he smiles his eyes light up just like Harper's do. Not too many people have that wonderful glow about them when they smile. It's a genuine smile. It is hard to explainbut it's like they have this beautiful energy behind them.
Since September I have had a harder time dealing with Olivia being gone and why God wanted it this way. I am not mad at God like I thought I might be. I know it is all in his plan. I know some day I will know. I know it may not be today or even tomorrow. I just don't want her short life to go invain. I want to do something something in honor of her.
I went in to check on Harper today after I put her down for her afternoon nap(she's rolling over now) she was making some noises so I just wanted ot make sure the blanket was not on her face. I get in her room and she as turned half way around the crib(laying cross ways) her blanket wrap around her middle part of her body like she was in a straight jacket. Watching her until she seen I was there. When she seen me she just laughed hysterically at me. It was at that moment I realize she is the key to healing. God gave me a beautiful gift and I need to take the time to enjoy her. They grow up so very fast.
I have opened up alot more with Marco the last few weeks. I am always so worried I am going to make him sad. We talked about what it would have been like right now with twin girls rolling around. About how crazy life would have been with having them both with us. It would have been crazy fun! About how often we think of Olivia.
You never think it will happen to you. That it's just a bad dream and maybe one day we'll wake up. It's been a long dream let me tell you. I think it will get easier after the first year.
On a lighter note.....Harper is now 17 lbs. & 8 ozs. She turned 7 months on the 12th!! She is rolling over all the time now, she like to put her toes in her mouth, when she smiles her eyes light up. When she smiles she reminds me of my older brother Dustin. When he smiles his eyes light up just like Harper's do. Not too many people have that wonderful glow about them when they smile. It's a genuine smile. It is hard to explainbut it's like they have this beautiful energy behind them.
Thursday, October 7, 2010
Wow Almost 6 months!
We are only 5 days away from the 6 month mark. It has been a CRAZY ride so far. It seems to be harder now then it was right after the girls were born. I guess seeing all the milestones that Harper is going through right now reminds me that I could have had two beautiful little babies with me right now. I think about Olivia many times a day. How I could just hold her one more time. Just to kiss her one more time. That is all I want. The farther away we get the more I feel like she was not even real. Was this a bad dream. We in the heck will I wake up already. I think about there birthday and how that day will go. I will I feel that day. It is supposed to be a happy day. I think about how my dear husbands heart is broken but at the same time he is overjoyed by Harper. Don't get me wrong we love Harper more than you could know but we miss our baby girl. I wonder all the time why did God want it to be this way? If you ever find out the answer for me please let me know. On to a lighter note....Miss Harper is growing so very fast!
Harper now weighs 15lbs. even and is 25 inches long. She has caught up to what a normal 6 month old should be. She is rolling over and laughing. She puts her paci in and out of her mouth now. She is now eating veggies and gets fruit in her cereal in the morning. She has almost developmentally caught up as well. Which is a WONDERFUL thing since they say it normally takes til about 9 months to get caught up to there age.
Harper now weighs 15lbs. even and is 25 inches long. She has caught up to what a normal 6 month old should be. She is rolling over and laughing. She puts her paci in and out of her mouth now. She is now eating veggies and gets fruit in her cereal in the morning. She has almost developmentally caught up as well. Which is a WONDERFUL thing since they say it normally takes til about 9 months to get caught up to there age.
Monday, July 12, 2010
3 months today
Well today it has been three months. I have not posted in a while because I was not sure about anything. The last few days have been very hard. Much harder then most days and I am not sure why. We were giving Harper a bath last night and I was thinking there is supposed to be two babies here. I was robbed. I lost a piece of me that day. She was only here for a couple hours and now it is starting to feel like she was never here. What I would give just to touch her again. Just to hold her for 5 minutes. Why God did it have to be this way? Did he not think I could take care of two babies? I just want to know why? How could there be so much pain but at the same time so much joy. I understand I am lucky I had another baby at the same time but on the other hand I look at her every moment and wonder what would Olivia been like. How would she have looked. I still cry myself to sleep at night. I would have thought after three months it would be ok. No. It is never ok. It does not get any better.
I still have not figured out how to thank Kathleen for all she did. I don't know what I would have done without her. She was my right arm. Thank you Kathleen for everything you did. One day I will be able to repay you.
Marco told me the other day that every morning he wakes up and tells Olivia good morning. I was not sure how to reply to that one. I thought he had moved on. I guess we don't talk about her to each other like we should.
I can tell today is going to be a hard day. I love you Livvy with all of my heart.
I still have not figured out how to thank Kathleen for all she did. I don't know what I would have done without her. She was my right arm. Thank you Kathleen for everything you did. One day I will be able to repay you.
Marco told me the other day that every morning he wakes up and tells Olivia good morning. I was not sure how to reply to that one. I thought he had moved on. I guess we don't talk about her to each other like we should.
I can tell today is going to be a hard day. I love you Livvy with all of my heart.
Monday, April 19, 2010
Labor & Delivery Monday April 12th 2010
When Marco got to the hospital that morning they were putting my epidural in. I guess the husbands cannot be in the room any more when they do this so they told Marco he needed to go outside and wait. It was kinda hard getting it done this time because they want to you to bend over as far as you can. Well that is pretty hard to do with two in there. But we got it done. It was wonderful because I could not feel the pain in my back anymore. I felt rested.
They got the epidural in and Marco came back in the room. And we were relaxing. They started the pitocin about 11:00am on the lowest stetting. And they said they would raise it every 30 minutes. Which was fine I could not feel anything anyways. They went in to break Harper's bag of water and put a monitor on her head but her water was already broke. It was a good thing they put it her head. At about 12:15pm her heart rate went up to the 180's and stayed for a minutes or so. And then went back down to normal. Then a few minutes later her heart rate dropped into the 60's which scared the crap out of us. It should never go under 110. At this point in time several nurses came running into the room. The only thing I could think was I was not prepared to loose both of my girls. It was hard enough knowing my time to say hello and goodbye were coming soon.
The nurses put oxygen on and me kept flipping me from side to side. It would go back up then down. I was pretty scared I knew something was wrong. Very wrong. Dr. Renfroe was in a c-section at this point in time. A few moments later she came in the room in her scrubs and face mask and said we are going to have to do a c-section.
I would be telling a lie if I said I was not afraid of a section. I was so scared and there was nothing I could do. Marco, my dad, and I all got on phones and started calling people to let them know. All the while the nurses are getting me ready to go back in the operating room. They give Marco his scrubs to wear. It was cute. We did not have to say anything to each other we could tell each other was very scared at this point in time.
They came and wheeled me back to the operating room. It was cold, very cold. There had to have been 30 people in that room easily. I looked off to my left and seen the different baby warmers labeled A and B. It was hard because I knew for sure B was not going to make. I was not even for sure if B was going to be still born or not. They put warm blankets on my arms because I was shaking. Partly because I was cold and partly because I was scared.
Marco came in the room and they had started the incision already. It was weird, you could feel it but it did not hurt. I could feel them pulling and pushing. Then I hear Dr. Renfroe say no wonder, Harper had her cord wrapped around her body like and x. She was born at 1:32pm crying which was great to hear. That sitting in the bed for 3 weeks had paid off. Then I hear them call the time 1:34pm. She did not cry at all. They took her over to her warmer and cleaned her up a little. Then wrapped her up and gave her to Marco. He brought her over to me and she just looked like she was sleeping. She would make a little squeak when she would breath. She sounded like a little puppy. She was so beautiful. She might not have been perfect to the world but she was perfect to us. She was our angel. She is and will be our last born. She is our baby. She stayed with us for 2 hours and 1 minute. She pasted away when we went to the NICU to get one last picture with her and her sister.
To be continued........
They got the epidural in and Marco came back in the room. And we were relaxing. They started the pitocin about 11:00am on the lowest stetting. And they said they would raise it every 30 minutes. Which was fine I could not feel anything anyways. They went in to break Harper's bag of water and put a monitor on her head but her water was already broke. It was a good thing they put it her head. At about 12:15pm her heart rate went up to the 180's and stayed for a minutes or so. And then went back down to normal. Then a few minutes later her heart rate dropped into the 60's which scared the crap out of us. It should never go under 110. At this point in time several nurses came running into the room. The only thing I could think was I was not prepared to loose both of my girls. It was hard enough knowing my time to say hello and goodbye were coming soon.
The nurses put oxygen on and me kept flipping me from side to side. It would go back up then down. I was pretty scared I knew something was wrong. Very wrong. Dr. Renfroe was in a c-section at this point in time. A few moments later she came in the room in her scrubs and face mask and said we are going to have to do a c-section.
I would be telling a lie if I said I was not afraid of a section. I was so scared and there was nothing I could do. Marco, my dad, and I all got on phones and started calling people to let them know. All the while the nurses are getting me ready to go back in the operating room. They give Marco his scrubs to wear. It was cute. We did not have to say anything to each other we could tell each other was very scared at this point in time.
They came and wheeled me back to the operating room. It was cold, very cold. There had to have been 30 people in that room easily. I looked off to my left and seen the different baby warmers labeled A and B. It was hard because I knew for sure B was not going to make. I was not even for sure if B was going to be still born or not. They put warm blankets on my arms because I was shaking. Partly because I was cold and partly because I was scared.
Marco came in the room and they had started the incision already. It was weird, you could feel it but it did not hurt. I could feel them pulling and pushing. Then I hear Dr. Renfroe say no wonder, Harper had her cord wrapped around her body like and x. She was born at 1:32pm crying which was great to hear. That sitting in the bed for 3 weeks had paid off. Then I hear them call the time 1:34pm. She did not cry at all. They took her over to her warmer and cleaned her up a little. Then wrapped her up and gave her to Marco. He brought her over to me and she just looked like she was sleeping. She would make a little squeak when she would breath. She sounded like a little puppy. She was so beautiful. She might not have been perfect to the world but she was perfect to us. She was our angel. She is and will be our last born. She is our baby. She stayed with us for 2 hours and 1 minute. She pasted away when we went to the NICU to get one last picture with her and her sister.
To be continued........
Saturday April 10th trough pre labor
Well it has been a while since I have got on here. So much has happened since then. The morning of Saturday April 10th I woke up about 20 minutes til 7:00am and was bleeding. So a few different nurses came in the room and started to "work" things like hook me up to the monitors, getting the girls heart rates on different monitors and on the TOCO which checks for contractions. Well less then 30 minutes on the monitors I was having several contractions. So Dr. Renfroe came in and said she was moving me over to L & D.
They moved me over to L & D pretty fast. got me on there monitors and all I could do was lay there very still. Which after 3 weeks on my behind was very hard to do. So a different nurse was coming in every 15 minutes because the girls would move around and they would need there heart rates all the time. This went on for all day Saturday and through the night. And Sunday morning came and Dr. Renfroe and told me that if I did not stop bleeding by Monday morning they were going to induce me.
So all day Sunday I still had nurses in and out all the time trying to keep the girls on the monitors. The bleeding did not stop and this went on through the night into Monday. By this time I was very, very tired. I had been in a hospital bed for over three weeks and my back and tail were killing me.
That morning Dr. Renfroe came in and told me today is the day for me to call Marco at work and let him know so he could be here. I called Marco and then started calling all the family. And told them not to be there before 1pm since they were inducing me it could take a long time.
They moved me over to L & D pretty fast. got me on there monitors and all I could do was lay there very still. Which after 3 weeks on my behind was very hard to do. So a different nurse was coming in every 15 minutes because the girls would move around and they would need there heart rates all the time. This went on for all day Saturday and through the night. And Sunday morning came and Dr. Renfroe and told me that if I did not stop bleeding by Monday morning they were going to induce me.
So all day Sunday I still had nurses in and out all the time trying to keep the girls on the monitors. The bleeding did not stop and this went on through the night into Monday. By this time I was very, very tired. I had been in a hospital bed for over three weeks and my back and tail were killing me.
That morning Dr. Renfroe came in and told me today is the day for me to call Marco at work and let him know so he could be here. I called Marco and then started calling all the family. And told them not to be there before 1pm since they were inducing me it could take a long time.
Thursday, April 8, 2010
32 weeks tomorrow!!!!
It is such a relief to make it to 32 weeks. Just three weeks ago we went into full blown labor. The just a little over a week later my water breaking. So this is a HUGE milestone for my girls. just 15 days until I am 34 weeks and they can induce me! I miss my kids and my butt hurts sitting here all day.
Well I leaked a lot of fluid last last night in the middle of the night. It seems to come and go that way. So they sent me to get a sonogram this morning. Harper is head down still with her face to my back and she is in position ready to go. She weighted 3 lbs. 13 oz. And her fluid was 5.2 cm. Olivia's weight is 3 lbs. 9 oz. and her fluid was 2.5 cm. If we go two weeks they should gain another pound.
This has been very trying the last few weeks. Evert day is a reminder that the end is not far away. I think a lot about what Marco is thinking. I wonder how he will do during the delivery. If he will be ok or not.
Well I leaked a lot of fluid last last night in the middle of the night. It seems to come and go that way. So they sent me to get a sonogram this morning. Harper is head down still with her face to my back and she is in position ready to go. She weighted 3 lbs. 13 oz. And her fluid was 5.2 cm. Olivia's weight is 3 lbs. 9 oz. and her fluid was 2.5 cm. If we go two weeks they should gain another pound.
This has been very trying the last few weeks. Evert day is a reminder that the end is not far away. I think a lot about what Marco is thinking. I wonder how he will do during the delivery. If he will be ok or not.
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